Sex Education

In all honesty, the thought of having the “birds and the bees” conversation with my daughter (DH gets to have the “talk” with JR) scares the ever livin shit outta me. No joke? I mean how do you know they are ready?? Damn, why don’t kids come with handbooks or instructions. Oh, I forgot. Schools have deemed when MY child is ready to know about these things.

 

I just am not sure that I would rather my child learn about ANYTHING about sex from someone paid in a school full of students. I would rather have to do it my self.

And I remember our “Sex-Ed” class, THIRD grade!! Yeah I think that’s a bit on the young side.

How does one go about beginning that conversation any way? ” Hey AM, I know your 35 years old now and have been wondering why we live in the woods and have had no communication with the outside world in the last 30 years. Well I guess its time to tell you how you were made. Sex. Yep sex. OK well you go on now and go play out side with the goat.” ( Now your confused, I’ve always wanted a goat and I’m pretty sure that soon DH will want to relocate us far away from boys from AM)

something like this I’m sure. serves two purposes: No boys and Camo. LOL:

She already know where babies physically come from. Isn’t that enough????

Romance Movies S U C K

I think America ( see, I can’t speak for any other part of the world, I aint ever been there) needs to let go of the idea that romance in the movies is or ever could be real life.

The only thing in life that is magical is something beautiful that you can touch. Like the way that snow makes no sound when it falls and almost silences all other noises. Other than that there is not “magical romance fairy” that is going to come bestow you and your love any type of dust to make things more romantic.

The way I see it, romance ( in very little amounts) is all used up in the beginning. Once the catch has been made. After every one feels comfy that the relationship is worth while and the other is not going anywhere, they both change.

No, I’m not bitter. I learned a while ago that once its gone, sadly its gone and nothing can bring it back.

Here is my list of top offenders in the movie department:

• P.S. I love you. Seriously I couldn’t finish it. partly because I was crying my eyes out and also because no man thinks like that. Sorry.

• Ghost. Really?????? Please just read previous entry

• Pretty Woman. I really did love this one. But you know that guys romance was gone quick. I mean he was expecting a whore.

• Twilight– this should be up way higher on the list. I love the movies (guilty pleasures, don’t mind if I do!) but for god sakes!!! I know he (like all vampires) was supposed to suck her blood, not make a damn baby!

• The Notebook. ‘Nuff said

• Lady and the Tramp. My favorite child hood movie but it had to make the list.

There are many more I am sure. I just feel like my baby girl (and my son) is going to grow up with this expectation that there will always be romance. And that if there isn’t there is something wrong.

I don’t want my daughter to expect flowers or showers of gifts. I don’t want her to think that every time he speaks that butterfly filled poems are going to be what she hears.

I also don’t want that pressure for my son. I don’t want him to feel like he doesn’t fit into society if he doesn’t fill a locker at school with balloons, or have his ol’ lady come home to a path of roses leading to a steamy bath filled with candles and bubbles.

And lastly, because I don’t get that kind of romance!

Momma needs a STRONG drink

Today may have been one of the worst days. My daughter thinks that she is little miss Queen Bee, and there is only room for on of us in this house.

Lack of consistent parenting is to blame. I give in when she pushes and pushes, until she has me so wound up I want to jump from a bridge. Not kidding here people.

She also inherited the arguing gene. From me. And most times she can out argue the high school debate team.

Today has been do everything momma says not to, and be sneaky day. Oh. And not listen to a damn word anyone but daddy says.

I’m over it and ready to pull my god damn hair out. Right now I am going to take my Valium and maybe have a strong drink. Ok not the drink. I don’t even have a beer in the house.

 

Outta the mouth of babes

My daughter has *cough cough* learned 95 of her adult sized vocabulary from yours truly. A round of applause please? No? OK  I get it. She, too, sometimes has a potty mouth. If you missed that post, please refer to Censoring.

Sometimes though, she does not use curse words. Sometimes shes just funny as hell. Here are a few examples:

 

“Momma, I got meat ball poops!” She was still in a diaper and severely constipated. It indeed looked like giant meat balls.

“No Momma! I didn’t just let Figaro out side! I think Sissy done it.” Figaro is my (her) pint size cat who does not go out side. And in case you are wondering, My Golden Reteiver (with her bad hips and bitchy attitude) does not have  thumbs to open my front door.

” Oh I don’t know where Figaro is, I think he must be sleeping in the bottom dwar of the fridge. I think he was hot.” Yep. He was in the fridge right where she said he was. I’m not convinced that he was hot and went in for a cool down. Poor kitty.

“Momma this hot coco is going to make bubba so beautiful.” She says this as I walk into the house. The coco had cooled and she has a tooth brush and “painting” him with cold coco.

“I’m not eating this dinner! This is bedickulas! I only eat hot dogs and chicken nuggets.” Don’t judge me. That is another story we will for sure get to.

“Well if you don’t let me, my daddy is going to put you in time out old lady.” I’m really only 25.

” Oh my em gee. I need to call my grandma.”

“Momma, you should post this on Facebook.”

“Oh my gosh momma! You stink like daddy!” What did she really expect?

 

There are more, and from time to time Ill share them with y’all

 

I am in love with Dr. Doolittle

No silly. Not the character. The real life, human version. Oh sounds like fun, you say? You are funny.

The story for my (he has done this all his life you see) begins with Buddy. The cutest little puppy EVER! I wanted a puppy for a year  (  I also wanted a pig) and on our second Christmas, I walked in after work and his shirt was wiggling all over. Out popped his little head and I was instantly in love. I still have him, and now he’s not so sweet. He hates EVERYONE except me and has a sever case of “grumpy old man” syndrome. But he was my first baby.

Next to enter our life was Diesel. We found him at a work site and he was the friendliest little kitty. One night we had to stay the night out there in the pouring rain and up he jumped into the excavator smelling like diesel. Shortly after he came home with us. About three years ago he disappeared. I miss that guy. I also miss his ability to kill spiders and mice. I think I miss that the most.

Next came Sissy and Natas. One Yellow Lab and one Golden Retriever. He “found” ( I am using that word very loosely) them on his way home from work in the middle of the night. Conveniently, they where (in his “please believe me because I already love them” voice) “Right there in the middle of the road. Babe there aren’t even any street lights on that road! They could have DIED!” Yes it is true. He is nothing if not convincing. Sissy was your every day run of the mill puppy. Sweet and playful and did I mention cute as shit? Well she was! Natas though. Ugh…

This dog is the most loving dog ever. I am saying IS, as in, presently. Her name is SATAN backwards, if that tells you anything. Three days after having her she started having seizures, daily for the next year. I’m not going to lie, I wanted to put her to sleep after the first month of cleaning up her shit and laying on top of her so she wouldn’t bit anyone or hurt her self. It was so tiring. But NOOOO! Dr. Doolittle saved the day. It caused many arguments in my house. We where both being selfish. I was sick of having to take care of the mess alone, and he was in love with the bitch. Well, a year after the seizures stopped, I can say I am honestly glad I didn’t. She is my girl and when the day comes that she does leave me, my heart will be forever broke.

Next comes two stray Cats, Frank and ED. I named them. One day they showed up, he fed them and now they sleep inside my house on my couch.

Next is Figaro and Pete. Both kittens he “rescued from certain death” (again his words, maybe a little dramatic) from his work at the mill. I couldn’t turn them away because he used my daughter against me. Bastard! Figaro looks just like Mini Mouse’s cat, and puts up with FAR too much. Pete is naughty and my boy. He just wants lovins but can’t help getting into trouble

Finally, we have Thumper. You guessed it. A god damn rabbit. Not just any ol rabbit. An EVIL rabbit. I swear to god that this has it out for me. It was the same story (Side of the road… would have died…I already love him..) only this time I was mad. No scratch that. I was PISSED OFF. I mean child hood trauma never really goes away, does it? ( another story entirely) He’s a sneaky little shit too. Did I mention that he lives I N S I D E my house, in my kitchen. I hate him. One night, I figured ” What the hell? The kids are asleep. I should just face my fears and make nice with the little bunny.” Shoot.

As soon as I opened that cage door, he hesitantly came to it. I sat down with the carrot in my hand, gently talking to him. “Its OK. I didn’t mean it when I said I wanted to skin you and make you into Sunday supper.” Well I guess he didn’t believe me because the little fucker flew outta that cage with his talons out and into my lap. I swear never before have I moved so damn fast. That was the last straw. We now have an understanding: I will feed him and clean his shit up if he in turn stays the hell away from me. So far so good.

I forgot to mention that when we meet he had three dogs already. I also left out the stinky turtle who lived in my bathroom and the many fish we’ve had. He says that if we ever get to buy property he wants horses and live stock. All I know is that I can not handle chickens. Birds. Ugh.

Can you see why my night in shining armor is really just Dr. Doolittle in disguise? I know he is a good man and has a good heart, and I know that things could be way worse.

I just pray we never get that property!

Embrace Your Nekkidness…

Most little girls like to play dress up. Most LOVE clothing. My child must be defective.

It is truly a hands down bang up fight to get any type of clothing on the child. It is my fault really. When she was a baby we lived with her Papa and he had a wood stove. Naturally, it was always sweltering hot in there. Instead of letting my baby lose all of her body heat thru a giant sauna, I let her roam free in a diaper. That, my friends, was mistake number 1.

Then we moved in to our own place and, still she hated wearing clothes. I figured “Well, we are at home so it shouldn’t be a problem.” It became a problem. Try as I might, this child never wears clothing.

I have done everything I can think of, from letting her pick out her outfits, to pinning my screaming child down and wrestling something on to the child. Nothing EVER works.

And now, she knows how to take them off. Which poses an even bigger problem: any where we go, the first thing you notice is a trail of clothing leading to the child. Starting with her shoes, ending, sadly, in her pretty little chonies.

The thing is, it’s not like her father and I just sit around nekkid. In fact, I hate being nekkid. She has never once seen either of us fully nekkid unless it’s in the shower. So really, I don’t know where it comes from other than my horrid judgement as a new mom.

Oh, you want to know how I plan to control it with my youngest, JR? Ha ha, silly friend. I don’t plan to control it.

I plan to embrace it. And, I suggest you do the same.

Things EVERY parent should know

Being the momma of two beauties, AM and Jr, my ideas of parenting have wildly changed thru out the course of three years. This is my list of things y’all should know. Seriously burn this crap into your brain like now!

1. Never say I wont be that kinda parent. Really. Before you might think you know, but the bottom line is you have NO clue.
2. Parenting must be consistent, as should punishment. You can’t let ’em get away with something one day because it fits your needs and the next day flip out. This teaches them that you are in fact a door mat that they previously thought you where.
3. Bubbles and Balloons fix EVERYTHING. Seriously.
4. Your child is a little artist. This means hide the food coloring, sharpies, pens and pencils or your home will be their canvas.
5. Children are not born knowing hate. Don’t teach them.
6. Grandmas and Grandpas are supposed to spoil. It’s in their Handbook.
7. Kids are noisy. When they are quiet its time to investigate.
8. Some children are under the assumption that along with artist, they are also beautician and vet. Invest in locks and baby gates. Keep sour cream and butter out of reach and, seriously just toss the scissors out the second you find your having a baby.
9. Love them with all you got, and they will love you back. Its true.
10. They will embarrass you. Fits will be thrown and you will want to scream. There will be a point that at least on fit will be thrown at the local Wal*Mart. Get used to the idea now. It will be OK.

I am sure there are more. Please feel free to add to this list if I have missed anything!! Remember, kids are fun, as long as you know what you are getting your self into!

I Believe, I do NOT Believe

We live in a society that holds onto some magical theory. I buy in to some of it, but other stuff just feels like crap. And my momma always says “If it quacks like a chicken and looks like a chicken, than honey it MUST be a chicken.” I believe my momma.

So, here are my beliefs and the things I find to be total S*IT:

I believe in love….

but… I do NOT believe everyone has a soul mate and that they will find him/her.

I believe in marriage…

but… I do not believe in marriage for the sake of a child.

I believe in “Pro-Choice”

but… I do not believe that I could do it my self.

I believe in always saying good bye at the end of a phone call…

but…. I do not believe you shouldn’t go to bed mad (OK this one I should explain: you should be able to go to bed mad if you really truly are. But after you have had time to sleep on it I do believe its time to work the problem out- plus, jeez, don’t tell me how I should feel)

I believe in rules and punishment for children…

but I don’t believe that you can punish them one time for one thing and the next day not punish for the exact same thing.

I believe in the past…

but… I don’t believe I should have to talk about it or relive it.

I believe if you break the rules, you MUST pay the consequences. ALWAYS.

but… well there is no but for that one.

I also believe in late night cuddles,

I believe in bedtime stories,

I believe in breaking dishes when I’m mad,

I believe sometimes there is no four-letter word to describe how mad I am.

I believe in crying, sometimes with ice cream and cookies.

One last thing. This might piss some of you off but I will explain:

I believe in faith…

BUT… I do not know if I believe in God.  Here is why.

No all loving being would dole out the things my family (both mine and my DH). No God (IMO) would give humans something so powerful as addiction and make it so hard (sometimes imposable) to over come. Please save the God only gives out what we can handle. That is a line of shit and Im sorry if that makes people mad. My mother in law lost her mom last August, and in February she was diagnosed with the SAME damn disease that took her momma. She hadn’t even stopped grieving for her yet. My own momma lost both of her parents with in 5 months of each other. My Oma (my daddy’s mom) had to bury her son. So tell me what all loving being, would do this? Why would he continue to inflict suffering on people? And if you plan to tell me to re pay our sins, you can save your breath. I don’t buy it.

Bubbles and Balloons

I think I may be crazy. But that’s OK.I think you may agree with me when I say that most of (if not all) the country (dare I say world?) problems could be solved with a big dose of bubbles and a huge bouquet of balloons??It seems to me that anytime there is a boo boo or and ouchie, either of the two (sometimes both) are the end all fix all. Have you ever heard the laugh of a child with a thing of bubbles? Or the extra pep in the step of a kid with a balloon?

I wish for all of humanity to feel the optimism of that of a kid with balloons. I wish we could all take a deep breath in and when we let out, the troubles and problems would be released as big sparkling bubbles.

Who knows? maybe our children are on to something…

Devine chicken pasta!!!

This is in no way a food blog, but from time to time I will share a recipe that I love or turned out well. This one happens to be one my family created and I have adopted a few of my own things to add to it.

Please know i do not measure things while cooking; its more of a taste and add more kinda measurement.

 

You will need:

• chicken ( i recently tried thighs, which is good because it is dark meat, but breasts are good too)
• pasta ( i really love whole grain pasta, as it adds color to the otherwise plain-looking dish, but Matt does not. one word of caution: do not use colored pasta or angel hair, color adds a weird flavor and angel hair gets mushy.)
• butter
• wok oil ( if possible, if not a touch of veggie oil works too)
• one onion
• garlic ( i usually end up using like 4 cloves)
• crushed red pepper (to add a hint of a kick)
• garlic salt
• shredded Parmesan cheese
• GREEN Tabasco sauce ( red will not work)

i boil my chicken first. after that i cut it into bite size pieces and throw it in the pan with butter (one tbl spoon works) and a touch of oil. add your onion and garlic (chopped and minced) and cook until brown.

 

while this is cooking i cook my pasta. only til they are JUST done. put them in a strainer and run very cold water over them until all the noodles are cold (this step is critical, because warm noodles equal mushy noodles= YUCK)

 

throw your chicken mixture into the pasta pot and cover. add more butter (one or more tbl spoons) and a touch of oil and the onion and garlic and fry up the pasta until almost crisp.

 

when you are satisfied with your noodles add to chicken and toss. top with a sprinkle of  cheese and green sauce.

 

 

i must say that i add the garlic salt and red pepper while i am frying. you may omit the pepper if you don’t want it too spicy.

 

enjoy!!