Posts tagged ‘work’

May 23, 2012

Assume the Position

by mommahasapottymouth

You thought after potty training, all the nastiness would be done, right? Yes, I am right. Well, you should have prepared better. Because after your little angel learns to use the toilet, many new things will happen to you!

Oh honey, your job is not quite done yet!

My favorite (*insert sarcastic voice) thing to hear at any given point of the day is “Momma! I pooped!” Followed instantly by “WIPE MY BUTT!” I am not kidding. Just because they now know when they need to go, and more times than not, they find their way to the potty, your job is not done!!

This morning, I walked out of my room, and almost fell on top of AM, who had, much to my surprise, assumed the position. That position would be something along the lines of on all fours, ass up in the air. She sees me and says ” There you are Momma! I was waiting for you to wipe my butt. I pooped.” Well, gosh, sorry to keep you waiting princess!

The worst is when she has (this is her own words here, not mine) “Esplodie butt,” and don’t worry. I wont paint that picture. Or when she decides to try to do the job her self. An entire roll of toilet paper, and half of it stuck between her cheeks. Nice!

Are you ready for this to be your #1 purchased item?

So don’t get all high and mighty just yet, because the fun part is just starting. Now, your children will announce to the ENTIRE area (store, restaurant, or any public place) that they  need to poop. And teaching them not to really bare it all is hard, to say the least. They like conversation while getting the job done. They want you to know that they know they stink. And everyone else. And when they are done, they want to know what color it is and if it is indeed “Esplodie.” Then they will bend over and put their nasty ass right in the air (have you been in a public restroom lately? Kinda cramped) and proudly ask you to “WIPE MY BUTT.”

Oh, don’t forget to let them flush. That’s really all they like to do.

May 22, 2012

They Think I’m Their Friend

by mommahasapottymouth

My children don’t look at me as momma. They look at me as a friend that they can manipulate into doing what ever suits their fancy. I am pretty sure that AM sees no authority in my face, and hears the same voice Charley Brown does when his teacher talks.

It’s a cycle. At first I wasn’t momma, I was the milk truck. I delivered the food when she was hungry. I changed her ass when she was nasty. Now its much the same, except I heat the chicken nuggets and fill the cup with juice. She now orders me around, and tells me whats going to happen and when. She has a little (BIG) case of the “Momma Syndrome” ( I am positive that this is a medical diagnosis, and if it’s not, well damn it! It should be). She even thinks that she can call the shots with JR. Ha ha , silly girl. She is about to get a rude awaking. I am the momma, hear me roar!

I can see this  pattern happening with my son too. He knows that all he has to do is cry and I will come running. That I can tell which cry is asking for what. He also knows that I will cater to his every need, and so far I have proven him right.

The thing is, they do not have this attitude with Daddy. They know he means business when he talks and that he is the law in my house. But how can that be? Daddy works grave yard shift at the mill and sleeps in the day. He sees them for the longest periods during the weekend. But somehow he has them convinced that he is Daddy first, friend second. How the hell did that happen???

Well, here is my theory: I spend every second of every day with them, and I am one of the most inconsistent parents you have ever had the pleasure to hear about (it has been a pleasure, right?) and often just give in to get them to stop with the hounding. I know cardinal rule number 1, stay consistent, right? Well that is difficult to say the least. And the more I am with them and not enforcing what I say, the more they look at me like a friend rather than Momma. Daddy on the other hand ALWAYS means business.

How the hell do I break this cycle?? Any ideas?

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