Archive for May, 2012

May 31, 2012

Please Help Me Find A Solution!!

by mommahasapottymouth

OK, I am in desperate need of some help here. I have an ant problem. Sugar ants to be exact. And with all the information out there, I am a little overwhelmed.

 

I put out 4 small little ant bait things, supposed to kill in 24 hours. Yeah freakin right. Mind you, these 4 little trap things were placed about 8 feet apart. 2 on each end.

save your self the money and DON’T buy these!

 

My daughter is convinced they are spiders, and has been having little panic attacks every night before bed and every morning when she wakes up. I can no longer take it. I am willing to do anything to rid myself of these things!!

 

If you have ever had this problem, I am BEGGING you to lend me your advise. If you are going to comment with something mean, please save your self the time and just don’t comment at all!!

 

PLEASE HELP!!

May 31, 2012

Coffee is the secret!!

by mommahasapottymouth

Today I am making two things, well three if you want to count dessert. So, I want to share the chili first. It’s so tasty!

You will need:

Ground meat (I always use burger, but turkey may work too)

Canned beans ( I love beany chili, so I use three or four: pinto kidney and sometimes black)

Tomato’s ( canned when fresh is not available) diced. (don’t drain them)

Beef broth ( I like the kind with gelatin added, but any kind works. I also use the Knorr concentrated beef broth packets)

amazing!!

Orageno

Cummin ( I tend to use a lot, and taste while I go)

Chili powder (see above )

Chopped Onion

Minced Garlic

Cold coffee (like from this morning that you didn’t use)

Rice or corn bread, cooked as package directed. (normally I use rice, tonight it will be fresh corn bread)

Shredded Cheese

( on a side note, my DH loves to make this dish, but he does not use the same ingredients. Basicly, its meat beans and hot hot peppers.)

What to do:

Brown and drain fat from meat.

Chop onions and tomatoes (if fresh)

Add onions tomatoes and garlic to meat. Cook until onions are soft.

Add Coffee and beef broth.

Stir in tomato’s and canned beans.

Add oregano and cummin to taste, along with chili powder.

Simmer until thick. (I continue to add spices during this phase. Taste your food as you go. Only draw back is you may not be hungry when dinner is ready)

Serve topped with cheese, over rice or with a side of corn bread.

ENJOY!

May 30, 2012

Mommas Back!

by mommahasapottymouth

So this has been a very productive week for me, hence the no activity! So before I add a few posts, Id like to update y’all on what I’ve been doing.

Starting Friday, I worked my ass off. Quite literally.

  • Took my monster sized baby to the doc, and he is a wooping 26 lbs and 32 inches tall. Yeah, he’s only 9 months old. Oh he will be mammas little line backer!
  • Picked up my niece, Nana, which worked out so well.
  • Shoveled 3 truck loads of Garden Dirt. (AM  proudly announces to the entire neighborhood that its “poop dirt”). In case you are wondering, that is 1 1/2 yards each load.
  • Planted more of my garden,  in little pots with starter dirt. It’s supposed to help root development. Works well too.
  • Cleaned my yard. Like really cleaned it. Now we only look like hillbilly’s instead of rednecks. Rednecks with junk everywhere.

yes this is parked in my drive way. Its way bigger in real life though

  • Had a bon fire with all of the neighborhood kids. (5 boys from next door, one from across the street, my 2, my niece and the parents from next door. ) Yeah we roasted marshmallows.

  • Cleaned off my porch. No more trip hazard at this mammas house!
  • Did all the laundry. There was tons!
  • And today I finally cleaned AM’s room. That took 3 stinkin hours!

 

I plan to continue working outside this week. And clean (deep clean) my kitchen and go thru all my clothes and take anything that doesn’t fit down to the local thrift store. Then I have to re fold everything and find a spot to put it!

 

So, this is why I haven’t been on as of late. But never fear, Momma is back!

 

May 24, 2012

Best Movie Quotes….Ever Pt. 2

by mommahasapottymouth

Last night, while tossing and turning, it occurred to me that I left out some really awesome quotes from some brilliant movies. So here goes round two!

From “Scarface

  • “I’m Tony Montana! You fuck with me, you fuckin’ with the best!”
  • ” Say hello to my little friend!”
  • “I never fucked anybody over in my life didn’t have it coming to them. You got that? All I have in this world is my balls and my word and I don’t break them for no one.”

 

From “Diary Of A Mad Black Woman

  • “Well, peace always comes with still…” [takes out gun] “’cause I keeps me a piece o’ steel.”
  • “Every time I try to read the Bible… and Jesus… the one with all the words in red… I open my Bible to that New Testimony and see all that red and I just give up. Jesus was talkin’ way too much.”
  • “I’m not bitter. I’m mad as hell.”
  • “I aint scared a no po po. Call da po po hoe… Call da po po hoe.”

 

From”Talladega Nights”

  • “Susan, I’ve never heard you talk like that… Are we about to get it on? Because I’m as hard as a diamond in an ice storm right now.”
  • “Shake and bake”
  • “Shut up, Chip, or I’ll go ape-shit on your ass!”
  • “Chip, I’m gonna come at you like a spider monkey!”
  • “Chip, I’m all jacked up on Mountain Dew!”
  • “Dear Lord baby Jesus, lyin’ there in your ghost manger, just lookin’ at your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learnin’ ’bout shapes and colors. I would like to thank you for bringin’ me and my mama together, and also that my kids no longer sound like retarded gang-bangers.”
  • “If you ain’t first, you’re last.”

 

There, I think I am done! If y’all have any that I left out, let me know. Ill be adding a part 3 some day, so look for it.

 

( not all of these on this or the first post came from my head. A lot came from here, I just remembered that I loved the movie and looked up the exact words. So I didn’t sound silly adding or leaving out words.)

May 24, 2012

by mommahasapottymouth

I found this from http://averagechildhood.wordpress.com/2012/05/24/a-poem-that-was-on-the-wall/

check her out. It is so sweet

May 24, 2012

The Top WORST Ways To Wake Momma

by mommahasapottymouth

I like my sleep, it comes in sporadic bursts. I have insomnia and most nights I can not for the life of me sleep. When I do finally get to fall into that sweet slumber, god help the little one who chooses to interrupt it. I’ll give you MY top list for being woke up. Add to it, or share it. The more people who know, the safer they will ultimately be.

This is what I want to be doing

 

  • The phone. Seriously. I hate when anyone calls me when nature (the sleeping kind) calls. And I don’t care that most people are awake at 7am. Most people are also asleep before 2am.
  • Being poked, pushed or tickled. I don’t even like to cuddle when I am sleeping. Please don’t touch me until I am fully awake.
  • A cold nose. My big dogs don’t normally come in my room. But when they manage to sneak in, I seem to be their target. Why?

  • “Momma! Momma! Momma!” Followed quickly by “Are you awake?” No you little turd, I am not. But now that I am, what the hell do you need??
  • A cat rubbing against me. Claws and all. Again, the cats don’t go in my room often, but the little assholes can get in thru a small opening at the bottom of my door if I do not put a freaking pillow in front of it. I hate cat hair.
  • A bed full of dog food. Or cat food. My daughter is obsessed with this shit, and can open the door so quietly you’d swear she is a ninja. I’m not sure what the attraction is, but it is defiantly there. And in my bed.
  • To Mickey Mouse at top volume. I like the mouse, but at 5:30am, I hate him. That goes for anything on TV.

And the number one top way not to wake me up is:

  • TO THROW JUICE ON MY FACE! OK, really it could be anything cold and wet. Just, if you plan to have a decent day and a happy momma, for the love of all that is good, DON’T DO IT!!

You are asking your self what prompted this post? Besides the obvious, (that every one can benefit from knowing this) this is what happened to me this morning. Starting at 2:45am. In that order. Thats what.

May 23, 2012

Assume the Position

by mommahasapottymouth

You thought after potty training, all the nastiness would be done, right? Yes, I am right. Well, you should have prepared better. Because after your little angel learns to use the toilet, many new things will happen to you!

Oh honey, your job is not quite done yet!

My favorite (*insert sarcastic voice) thing to hear at any given point of the day is “Momma! I pooped!” Followed instantly by “WIPE MY BUTT!” I am not kidding. Just because they now know when they need to go, and more times than not, they find their way to the potty, your job is not done!!

This morning, I walked out of my room, and almost fell on top of AM, who had, much to my surprise, assumed the position. That position would be something along the lines of on all fours, ass up in the air. She sees me and says ” There you are Momma! I was waiting for you to wipe my butt. I pooped.” Well, gosh, sorry to keep you waiting princess!

The worst is when she has (this is her own words here, not mine) “Esplodie butt,” and don’t worry. I wont paint that picture. Or when she decides to try to do the job her self. An entire roll of toilet paper, and half of it stuck between her cheeks. Nice!

Are you ready for this to be your #1 purchased item?

So don’t get all high and mighty just yet, because the fun part is just starting. Now, your children will announce to the ENTIRE area (store, restaurant, or any public place) that they  need to poop. And teaching them not to really bare it all is hard, to say the least. They like conversation while getting the job done. They want you to know that they know they stink. And everyone else. And when they are done, they want to know what color it is and if it is indeed “Esplodie.” Then they will bend over and put their nasty ass right in the air (have you been in a public restroom lately? Kinda cramped) and proudly ask you to “WIPE MY BUTT.”

Oh, don’t forget to let them flush. That’s really all they like to do.

May 22, 2012

Best Movie Quotes…EVER

by mommahasapottymouth

I have a thing for one liners, a bad thing. Some movies will stay with me until my dying day, just because of one line! I want to share them with you, so you too can be a “One-Liner” fan! Enjoy!

From “Knocked Up”

  • “I wont say it, but it sounds like shmashmortion.”
  • Ben” Do you want to do it doggie style?”

Allison “Your not going to fuck me like a dog.”

          Ben “It’s doggie style. It’s just the style. We don’t have to go outside      or        anything.”

  • Daughter after being asked where she thinks babies come from ” Well. I think a stork, he umm, he drops it down and then, and then, a hole goes in your body and there’s blood everywhere, coming out of your head and then you push your belly button and then your butt falls off and then you hold your butt and you have to dig and you find the little baby.”

From “Big Daddy”

  • Sonny: “Julian what do you want?”
  • Julian: “Thirty packets of ketchup”
  • ” I wipe my own ass! I wipe my own ass.”

From ” Step-Brothers”

  • Robert better not get in my face… ’cause I’ll drop that motherfucker!”
  • “I tea-bagged your drum set”
  • “Mom, I honestly thought I was gonna be raped for a second. He had the craziest look in his eyes. And at one point he said, “Lets get it on.”

From “Anchor Man”

  • “I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down, down into my belly”
  • “Oh Ron, there are literally thousands of other men that I should be with instead, but I am 72 percent sure that I love you.”
  • “I wanna say something. I’m gonna put it out there; if you like it, you can take it, if you don’t, send it right back. I want to be on you.”
  • “He punted Baxter!!!”

From “Anger Management”

  • “I want to have children with you! Children! With your eyes and my… last name! That’s all I want.”
  • “Dave, there are two kinds of angry people in this world: explosive and implosive. Explosive, which is the most common, is the type of individual you see screaming at a grocery store cashier for not taking his coupon. Implosive, the least common, is the cashier at the store who remains quiet at his job day after day until he then finally loses it and just shoots everyone in the store. You’re the cashier.”

From “Fried Green Tomatoes”

  • “I don’t know what’s worse, church or jail.”
  • “That’s right, you gump-face, blown up, baboon-assed bastard! “

And finally, one of my mommas favorite movies:

“Steel Magnolias

  • This is it, I’ve found it, I’m in hell.”
  • ” Well, you know what they say: if you don’t have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me!”
  • “Oh, Sammy’s so confused he don’t know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt”
  • ” I love ya more than my luggage.”
  • ” You are too twisted for color TV!”
  • “I’m not crazy, I’ve just been in a very bad mood 40 years!”
  • “A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.”
  • “What’s the matter with you these days, M’Lynn? You got a reindeer up your butt?”

 

By the way, my momma knows almost every line to that last one. Its cute sometimes I don’t think she even relies that she is quoting it anymore!

 

May 22, 2012

Mommas Tasty Chicken Fingers!

by mommahasapottymouth

Another recipe from mommas kitchen. Sorry for y’all if you didn’t really follow me to read what I feed my kids. I tried these tonight, and they where “So Delicious!” says my daughter AM.

 

You will need:

1 lbs Boneless Chicken thighs

2 Eggs

Butter Milk

Ground pepper

Dried minced garlic

Panko bread crumbs

Cheese French fried onions (crushed)

Butter (melted)

Foil lined Baking dish

Non-stick oil

 

In a small bowl beat eggs and add a dash of butter milk. Add pepper and garlic. Set aside.

Cut fat from chicken, then cut chicken into thin strips. Soak chicken strips in egg mixture for 30 min to 1 hour.

In another bowl mix bread crumbs and french fried onions (cheese kind, finely crushed) until completely mixed.

After chicken has soaked, dip into bread crumb mixture and place into the foil lined and non-stick sprayed dish. After, drizzle with melted butter.

Place in oven set at 450, and cook for 7 min, take out and turn chicken. Place back in and cook 8 more min.

Promptly remove from dish when baking is done and let cool. Serve warm!!

 

Enjoy y’all!!!

(If you try this and add anything or change anything, I’d love to hear what you did. I like to experiment in the kitchen!)

May 22, 2012

They Think I’m Their Friend

by mommahasapottymouth

My children don’t look at me as momma. They look at me as a friend that they can manipulate into doing what ever suits their fancy. I am pretty sure that AM sees no authority in my face, and hears the same voice Charley Brown does when his teacher talks.

It’s a cycle. At first I wasn’t momma, I was the milk truck. I delivered the food when she was hungry. I changed her ass when she was nasty. Now its much the same, except I heat the chicken nuggets and fill the cup with juice. She now orders me around, and tells me whats going to happen and when. She has a little (BIG) case of the “Momma Syndrome” ( I am positive that this is a medical diagnosis, and if it’s not, well damn it! It should be). She even thinks that she can call the shots with JR. Ha ha , silly girl. She is about to get a rude awaking. I am the momma, hear me roar!

I can see this  pattern happening with my son too. He knows that all he has to do is cry and I will come running. That I can tell which cry is asking for what. He also knows that I will cater to his every need, and so far I have proven him right.

The thing is, they do not have this attitude with Daddy. They know he means business when he talks and that he is the law in my house. But how can that be? Daddy works grave yard shift at the mill and sleeps in the day. He sees them for the longest periods during the weekend. But somehow he has them convinced that he is Daddy first, friend second. How the hell did that happen???

Well, here is my theory: I spend every second of every day with them, and I am one of the most inconsistent parents you have ever had the pleasure to hear about (it has been a pleasure, right?) and often just give in to get them to stop with the hounding. I know cardinal rule number 1, stay consistent, right? Well that is difficult to say the least. And the more I am with them and not enforcing what I say, the more they look at me like a friend rather than Momma. Daddy on the other hand ALWAYS means business.

How the hell do I break this cycle?? Any ideas?

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