The rules of relationships

I think the problem I have is that I just care way to god damn much. I care about people who cant seem to fucking return it. I am trying to change that about my self but god damn it, its hard.

The worst thing about not having it returned is the amount of time you invest into something only to watch it crumble. I have sat back and watched all kinds of relationships fail because the lack of caring. After you try to try for so long, you begin think that it’s not going to work, and in the end it does not. I wish that the people who I unconditionally care about would return it, so I am writing these simple rules. Maybe some of you are hurting someone and there is still time to fix the problem??

 

1. You can have more than 1 friend, but only 1 friend will know you the best. It sucks I know.
2. Don’t try to make others jealous. We are not in high school. (In the chance that you ARE in fact in high school, listen here: That shit don’t fly in the real world, so just stop now)
3. Be selfless. Dont expect the favor to be returned every time.
4. Return the favor if you are always the taker. It goes a long way to preserving a friendship or relationship by showing that you are in fact grateful.
5. Say your sorry, but don’t say it so much that it loses its meaning.
6. Say what you mean. Again, who ever it is that this applies to, we are all grown ups for Petes sakes! If your feelings are hurt, FUCKING speak the hell up!!!
7. A friendship is not a contest. Don’t compete with others for one persons attention. If they are truly your friend/love, there will be no contest.
8. Know them. I mean really know them. Know the things they hate, and love.
9. Never speak horrible things and always defend. If your my best buddy or my love, no matter if you are right or wrong, I will always speak good things and I will always defend you to anyone else. It’s just how it works.

But the main thing to being in a relationship or friendship that works is this golden rule:

DON’T LEAVE!

If you still love someone (mushy type or otherwise) you stay by their side, thru thick AND thin. You don’t trade them in for something that sounds better, because when better fails, they may not let you back in.

It turns out that I wish I had a friendship that followed these rules.

 

I found this poem and if my only good friend happens to read this, it pretty much is how I feel.

I Love You Too

Twenty Rules to Being Your Best Friend

1. When you’re depressed, I’ll scare the crap out of you so you’re too busy calming your heart rate to keep being depressed.

2. When you trip and fall flat on your face, I’ll point and laugh, and if anyone else dares, I’ll beat them up to a pulp.

3. When you get a boyfriend you really like, I’ll tease you endlessly about him, and when you’re not looking, I’ll march up to him and warn, “She’s my best friend; you break her heart, I’ll break your face.

4. When you’re blue, I will try my best to dislodge whatever is choking you.

5. When you’re standing by the water or on the diving board, I’ll push you into the water and laugh at you.

6. When you say “I hate you!” I’ll respond “I love you too.”

7. We can never discuss anything serious because whenever we try, we always end up rolling around in laughter.

8. My dream future always includes you.

9. When you grin, I know it’s not necessarily because you’re happy, but because you’re plotting something, and it involves me.

10. When you are trying to avoid somebody, I will invite that somebody to your house, lock you two in your room and demand you make amends or else I’m not unlocking the door.

11. I will humiliate myself to make you laugh when you’re sad.

12. When I discover an incredibly scary video on the Internet or whatnot, I will send it to you just to freak you out.

13. I love you embarrass you.

14. When we laugh, we laugh together. When we cry, we cry together.

15. I can see right through you; I can read your mind; I always know how you feel when I’m in your presence.

16. I will never stop insulting you.

17. I know more about you than you do yourself.

18. Whenever you’re planning a prank, no matter how devious it might be, I want to be a part of it as long as you’re sure you want to go through with it.

19. When we play the Trust game, and you’re falling into my arms, I won’t catch you and I’ll laugh when you topple over onto the ground, but when you fall in real life, I’ll always be there for you.

20. I will always be there for you, no matter how many times I make fun of you.

 

Turmoil

I have been MIA for a while now because of home-grown emotional turmoil. I am at a loss at this point. So here is the deal:

We have lived in this house for something like 6 years now. We have had some Very great times, and some even GREATER bad times. To sum it up, we have been thru hell and back, a few times.

Now we are faced with losing our house. That doesnt really make me sad, just the circumstances around the way things went down. I know Matt has done everything that a girl could ask for, so not an ounce of this lies on him as failure to provide. There are others to blame here, but I will not point fingers.

Now, it is raining cats and dogs, starting to get cold and we need to find a new home that will accept our pets and his cars. Can y’all see the fun in that??

Oh and I am not sure if anyone has ever had the DIS-pleasure of living with an in law, but that possibility is looking more and more like the solution. And it’s not that I am not grateful for the help (ha ha) it’s just that I am not looking forward to being a prisoner in someone else home. Locked up tighter than an inmate, being told how to cook and clean, and when and what I can watch on TV (that is in my name btw).  My parents will never come to visit because they dislike the other parent more than I do (if that is even possible) .

If that is not bad, here is what is worse. I know I sound absolutely crazy right now, so please just bear with me. I am pretty sure that some how my phone is tapped. I have had numerous conversations that you would either have to be a part of or listing to know what was said. But, on those occasions word for word of those conversations have been repeated back to me. I have no clue as to how or why, but I know I am not crazy. (OK maybe a little.) And I have no way to prove this, or have a private conversation.

Well gotta go. Hes here.

Guest Posts

I would like to take the time to introduce the only person I would even think about letting do a guest post for me.  His name is Jeremy, but in my house we call him Fred.

Before I go any further with this, I want to make something VERY clear. I will not tolerate any one bad mouthing or saying anything hurtful about Jeremy’s situation. If you do not like what you have to hear after please just either don’t read or unfollow me. Easy pease.

 

Jeremy is my brother-in-law. He is the oldest of his siblings and has one daughter. He is one of the most creative writers I have ever had the pleasure of reading. He is always straight forward and never says anything but what he means. He is also serving in a state penitently.

 

This is where the don’t judge part comes in. He is a part of my family and I love him just the same as the rest of my in laws. (sometimes maybe a touch more, just kidding) He is paying the price for what he did. Again if you don’t want to read what he has to say, then please don’t. I will not approve of ANY mean or negative comments.

 

The first post will be up today.

What Has This Country Come To??

Let me start by saying that I love my country just as much as the next guy. But the way I have been treated lately has me less than happy.

First of all, my loving DH is doing everything he can to let me stay home with our babies. He works grave yard at a mill. He busts his ass 10 – 12 hours a day to provide for us. Sometimes, we can’t make ends meet. Sometimes, we need help.

Because we are not legally married, I am not covered under his insurance, but my kids are. They are double covered, by him and by Medicaid. Yep, I am one of those that gets help from the government. Hey, guess what? I also receive food stamps. Do y’all have a problem with that?? Get the fuck off my blog if you do.

I had medical coverage from Washington State while I was pregnant, and it will cover me untill my youngest is 5, or until I get married or go to work. (Again, if you don’t like it, quit reading.) Let me say how thankful I am to be able to receive the help that I need. It has been a little bitter-sweet though.

When you are grocery shopping with Food Stamps, you get a different kind of service, I don’t care where you shop. They look at you like you are the scum of the earth. But, even if I was working full-time, I would not be able to feed my family the way I can now. Day care is another story entirely. I would be working to pay someone to take care of my babies. Not to save for our first home, or my children’s college. Nope, just so they can be taken care of 8 – 10 hours a day.

Any way, it gets worse if you or your kids have state provided medical. Doctors treat you like dogs, and sometimes worse. Hospitals are the worst, and as much as they try, they do not make you feel welcome. I feel like I have been branded with a big fat red Medicade stamp right on my forehead. I will give credit, though, to my children’s Pediatrician (if you live anywhere near Tacoma Wa, and are looking for a doctor for your children, contact me, he is the most amazing doctor I have ever met. ) Dr. O. He has never once treated me or them any different from any other patient.

Which brings me to this. For the last little while ( actually since I came back from the road trip with my MIL) I have been dealing with a terrible ear problem. It is way worse than giving birth, and way more intense. I have been in and out of my Dr’s office, with the same thing ” Here are your antibiotics, you will feel better in a few days.” It has been 3 (yes sir count ’em) rounds of antibiotics, with ZERO relief. (Its getting worse daily.) Finally they get my insurance to approve me to go to a specialist, and I went in yesterday feeling like the light at the end of the tunnel was so close I could feel the heat. PSH! I was wrong.

It is a newer practice, and the Dr is not from these parts. He was a kind guy, that wanted to ease my anxiety (do ya think they could cover the damn table with all the tools?) and came in asking about my family. I did not relax, however, because I knew he was going to touch my ear. To be fair, he did the best he could. He told me what I knew, the canal is so swollen he couldn’t see anything, and stuck something in there and scrapped the inside of my ear and pulled out something that hurt so bad. He than did the hearing and pressure test and checked out my voice box and nasal cavities.

He than told me I have to see a dentist before any other treatment can be done. I looked at him and more tears came flooding. How am I going to see a dentist when it took me so long to be able to see him??? He said that the slightly broken tooth had to be removed to eliminate that as the pain causer. Never in my life have I cried to a doctor about anything that is not medically relevent. I left his office after he told me that he wants to do a MRI or CT of that side of my head, to further eliminate any other potitional problems, but my insurance denied it as bein not medically necessary. I walked out in tears.

So here I am, crying like a baby from all the pain and frustration. I get what some of you will say (go to fucking work you lazy bitch) but it’s just not a possibility at this time. I have no clue how to tell Matt that I need a crazy amount of money so I can get my ear fixed by having that tooth pulled. My insurance does cover “Emergency Extractions” but they declare that this is not an Emergency.

I will stop bitchin for now, but I will leave y’all with this: what will it take to get me better? Drink a bottle of Tequila and pull the tooth my self so I can go back to the ENT and maybe get my ear taken care of?? I can attest to this: Pain makes people delirious and do stupid things. If I can’t get the help I need without causing bodily harm, what am I supposed to do?  I CAN NOT go on with this much longer.

There Is No Going Back From Here

So I have made some fucked up decisions in my life time. I’ve hurt some really good people. I have also been hurt a time or two over the years. I think that is kinda what started my down hill spiral. Now is not the time to go into who did what to me, or how they did it, but I do need to get somethings off my chest before I explode.

Today, I had to learn from Facebook (of all the god damn places) that my ONLY sister graduated from high school. I am devastated. I knew it was comin, I just figured that we could set aside our differences for one night and I could be there to witness the good deed she accomplished. No such luck. I also knew that wouldn’t happen. I wont get into the terrible details, but I will tell you it started with her boyfriend. (I have no idea if they are still together) I make quilts, and me and all the kids in the family got fabric together to make for our grandma. All significant others (married or otherwise) were to be left off. Well, that just wouldn’t fly. She got so mad. Whatever. We got over it and kind of moved on. Then we hit our final bump. It was huge. When I was pregnant with JR, I was told that there was a chance that he could have Downs Syndrome. I was devastated. I ended up in the hospital that same night with kidney problems. The very first person I went to was my sister. She shot right back that I was a liar and ignorant. That I must be stupid because everyone knows that you can not see the baby’s brain in an ultrasound. I couldn’t believe she was saying those things. She didn’t even visit me in the hospital. I havent heard from her after she told me I was dead to her. I did tell her that I would always be here when she came down off her high horse.

You see, her and I have always had a rocky relationship. But I have always loved her. I was seven when she was born, and I admit I was a little jealous. I had always been the only girl. (I think at this point I need to let everyone who doesn’t know, she is my half-sister. My biological father remarried my step mom and had a baby with her. Not my daddy. ) Then, it kind of turned into a competition between us. My step mom hated me (and still does) so she went out of her way to make Missy the perfect little girl. I remember seeing my parents pick her Binky up after it fell on the floor and clean it off with their mouth (yuck!) and I tried to do the same thing and was scolded for it big time.

I eventually ran away from my mommas house when I was 14, (for a stupid low life boy my daddy hated, for good reason) and moved in with my father and his family. All was good for about 6 weeks. Then shit started to crumble. Big time, and soon after, both parents where at the bar every single night until closing. I had to take care of my sister and little brother. And she hated me for it. One time, I called my momma crying and Missy just wouldn’t leave shit alone. She was screaming in my face. I walked up the stairs to my room, talking to my momma to calm down. Missy ripped the phone cord out of the wall. Then she came up and started taunting me. I pushed her down the stairs by her face. The sad thing is, I didn’t feel any thing when I did that. Another time, she came into my room and started throwing things at me, shoes, movies what ever she could get her hands on.

Our relationship started to get better when I found out I was pregnant with AM. She became my best friend. She walked the mall with me, went to eat and talked to me every day several times. It was everything I had wanted for us. After my daughter was born, she sat right by me and watched them sitch me up. She loved my daughter.

After a while, things started to change. She started calling less, and coming to see her god-daughter less. I knew it had everything to do with me living an hour and a half away and that she had a boyfriend at her house. I understood.

One day, she started flipping out on me. Told me she hated me for calling CPS on our father. PSH! I had not even thought to ever do that, and if I had, it would have been done when I was still living with them. Soon after, was christmas and everything after that. I have yet to hear her voice in over a year.

click picture for photo credit

I apologize for the long-winded post. I just want y’all to know. If you have siblings, don’t ever take them for granted. Tell them you love them all the time. Never say good-bye on bad terms. Always work it out. My momma always told me “From cradle to grave, always love your brother (or sister) because he’s the only one you’ll ever have.” I never realized how true that was until this. And when you get to where I am, there is no turning back. Just remember that.

Oh Sunny Day!

Gosh darn, I am THE blog worlds biggest slacker ever. For that, I apologize.

With that, I am honored to accept the “Sunshine Blogger Award” given to me by Priscilla, over at http://onlinedatingjournal.wordpress.com. This chick has been thru so much in the short time I have been reading. She has a potty mouth which I appreciate, and can make you laugh and cry, as well as get red-hot (ha ha Priscilla, red-hot in two ways 😉 ) angry. She is explicit. She doesn’t give a damn what anyone thinks about her words. I look up to her in some ways. So please, check her blog out and see what all the fuss is about!!!

With the award, comes rules. I try to follow them as I see fit, and this time I will try! Here they are:

The Sunshine Award rules are:

Include the award logo in a post or somewhere on your blog.

Answer 10 questions about yourself.

Nominate 10 to 12 other fabulous bloggers.

Link your nominees to the post and comment on their blog, letting them know about the award.

Share the love and link the person who nominated you.

So, since there is no “set” generic questions, I get to make them up, and they are:

Q: Did you always want kids?

A: Hell no! I was that lady that liked them when they are someone elses to hand back to!

Q: Chocolate or Vanilla?

A: Psh! Carmel baby!

Q:Rich or Healthy?

A: Healthy. If I am too sick to spend all that money whats the point?

Q: Pet peeves?

A: Teeth grinding. Ugh it drives me insane!

Q: Righty or Lefty?

A: Lefty

Q: Most embarrassing moment of all time?

A: I wont go into details but, rollerblading down a hill was not my best moment. Picture the cartoon who slams into a wall with their arms up in the air. That, my friends, was me!

Q: Favorite Color?

A: I have two, pink and black.

Q: Favorite off line activity?

A: Ever since I was young, it has been reading. I have over 200 books on my Kindle alone, and I am trying to hard not to add more untill I finish up these ones. Clearly that wont work!

Q: Number of Siblings?

A: 3 brothers, 2 whom I don’t talk to ever (1 of them I wish I did.) 1 sister who hates me, and 1 sister who I love to death!

Q: Celebrity crush?

A: Gerard Butler and Jason Aldean!! MMM! I love them both!!

Now to the nominations!! Gosh there are so many of y’all who I read daily, I wish I didnt have to just pick a handful. Everyone of you has brought some sunshine into my life here and there! So, with that, my nominees are:

 dirtyrottenparenting.com

articlesofabsurdity.com/

tadams4u.wordpress.com/

averagechildhood.wordpress.com/

unfinishedbizness.wordpress.com/

pouringmyartout.wordpress.com/

notquiteold.wordpress.com/

momoftwosalums.wordpress.com/

jerry-mahoney.com/

stufficantputonfacebook.wordpress.com/

Seriously, go check them all out. I think you will love them just as I do!!

Please Help Me Find A Solution!!

OK, I am in desperate need of some help here. I have an ant problem. Sugar ants to be exact. And with all the information out there, I am a little overwhelmed.

 

I put out 4 small little ant bait things, supposed to kill in 24 hours. Yeah freakin right. Mind you, these 4 little trap things were placed about 8 feet apart. 2 on each end.

save your self the money and DON’T buy these!

 

My daughter is convinced they are spiders, and has been having little panic attacks every night before bed and every morning when she wakes up. I can no longer take it. I am willing to do anything to rid myself of these things!!

 

If you have ever had this problem, I am BEGGING you to lend me your advise. If you are going to comment with something mean, please save your self the time and just don’t comment at all!!

 

PLEASE HELP!!

This is our FUTURE?

 

So, today as I sit back and think about my children’s future, a horrid thought ran across my mind; “My generation is SCREWED!” I can not imagine what will happen to me as I grow old and need help. I can not fathom having to rely on either our government or today’s youth for anything. Honestly, I am quite afraid. So I’ll just get right to addressing the huge elephant in the room now:

 

Have any of you watched the news lately? How many times have you heard about kids bringing guns to school? Or all the bullying? What about all the cuts OUR government wants to make to things like Medicare? Will Social Security be a thing of the past? Retirement age keeps going up,( yes I understand, that goes up with life expectancy, but really??) How many will end up with some sort of “After-High-School” training or education? What about all the meth heads and other druggies? Will they steal my high blood pressure medication or my heart medication? I know I am being silly, but we have to consider these things? What does our future hold?

 

 

 

If you think I am wrong in my feelings about today’s youth, visit this link. It’s a poll taken over a period of a few years, and illustrates my feelings. Although I fit in the 18-29 year old category, I am less than optimistic.

And please, don’t get me started on the outlook for Social Security and Medicare. It’s a joke. I realise that is not our youths fault, but congress. I would rather not blame anyone. But, alas, the blame must fall.

I am also a little worried about the work ethic. I mean, with the number rising of Americans (young and old ) abusing illicit drugs, I can’t imagine that the work ethic is very strong. With that, I would assume, goes the want to succeed and be better.

So my question, who is going to man the rest home or hospice I happen to land in if fewer people are being trained to do so? Who is going to foot the bill (because I most definitely will not have all kinds of money saved) when some fool with no desire to care for me grudgingly takes me in out of pitty?

 

Don’t Pull The Trigger

It’s amazing how something can trigger a memory or something from the past. And, its amazing how we deal with those triggers.

Some of us avoid them at all costs.
For me something small will trigger ” black out” like feelings for me. Something like the smell of peaches. Not like mommas peach pie, no like the smell of peach lotion or a peach scented candle. It sends me over the edge. Its horrible and hard to recover, often leaving me feeling like I need a good salt scrub scouring.

Other times its a song. In my case when I hear anything by Pat Benatar I instantly feel good, along with Hootie and the Blow Fish. Feel good songs that always lift up my spirit. Some songs are not the same though. Some remind me of all the wrong I have done and all the times I have hurt someone I love dearly. When I hear them I get so angry. Radio instantly off.

The last trigger for me is sight. When you have not seen something for so long and suddenly it is right in your line of sight, you can not help but to feel something, weather it be good or bad. Seeing my daddy’s boat and older Dodge Ram Trucks (Diesel of course.) Reminds me of the good part of my child hood. But I tell you, when I see a 76 station I cringe and want to vomit. I can sometimes even feel the acid wanting to take over my body. I am not sure why this is such a bad trigger but I also have no want or desire to find out.

How does one over come the “bad” triggers? I once asked a Doctor and he told me exposure. No thank you. The next time I walked into his office he had a peach candle burning, and I have never went back or talked about the peaches since.

Do you have a good or bad trigger? How do you deal with them?

Yesterdays Toys… Todays Trash

As I sit here going over ( in my mind of course) what today has been, I wonder if I was misguided in my decision-making. I am steaming with craziness and I’m beginning to wonder if I need to be fully medicated to be a mother.

 

We will start with this morning. AM wanted bacon, and I told her I was waiting for this weekend to cook the last of it. For her daddy of course. She went wild with fit. I offered her cereal and she said ok, so I ( stupidly) assumed she would eat it. Dumped on the floor. ( As if my carpet needs anything dumped on it.) Time out she went.

Next, we decided ( OK I decided) that it would be a WONDERFUL *insert sarcastic voice* idea to buy her a canvas painting kit. With oil based paint. ( In my defense, it was $5 and I had no idea the paint was that kind of paint). I set up the easel my momma and daddy got her and put her little masterful mind to work. Well, now she ( and unfortunately I) am covered in paint that does not wash off. Nice job momma.

I decided to drink my Red Line ( cracked out version of Red Bull) and go to work on her room that you couldn’t see the floor in. At this point, I am boiling with anger. Every article of clothing was on the floor, and she had locked her little kitty in her room for an extended period of time. Cat piss every where. After I decided to get the cloths out, I figure picking up toys wouldn’t be THAT big a deal. Wrong! After my failed attempts at trying to organize the shit hole, I finally grabbed a garbage bag and started tossing anything I could get my hands on. 90% of her toys are now garbage.

I’m wondering if I should have done that? I mean, it was A LOT of toys. 3 years worth. I didn’t take them out to the can yet, but I fully intend to. I mean, it felt good to take my anger out on a room full of shit rather than her. And maybe this will teach her Momma aint playin anymore. Clean up your room or its trash.

So, to any of my family or friends who have ever bought my daughter a toy, I’m only sorry that you wasted your money. NOT that I threw out the shit that was fixin to take over my house and self combust at any moment.