Archive for ‘pregnancy’

July 18, 2012

What Has This Country Come To??

by mommahasapottymouth

Let me start by saying that I love my country just as much as the next guy. But the way I have been treated lately has me less than happy.

First of all, my loving DH is doing everything he can to let me stay home with our babies. He works grave yard at a mill. He busts his ass 10 – 12 hours a day to provide for us. Sometimes, we can’t make ends meet. Sometimes, we need help.

Because we are not legally married, I am not covered under his insurance, but my kids are. They are double covered, by him and by Medicaid. Yep, I am one of those that gets help from the government. Hey, guess what? I also receive food stamps. Do y’all have a problem with that?? Get the fuck off my blog if you do.

I had medical coverage from Washington State while I was pregnant, and it will cover me untill my youngest is 5, or until I get married or go to work. (Again, if you don’t like it, quit reading.) Let me say how thankful I am to be able to receive the help that I need. It has been a little bitter-sweet though.

When you are grocery shopping with Food Stamps, you get a different kind of service, I don’t care where you shop. They look at you like you are the scum of the earth. But, even if I was working full-time, I would not be able to feed my family the way I can now. Day care is another story entirely. I would be working to pay someone to take care of my babies. Not to save for our first home, or my children’s college. Nope, just so they can be taken care of 8 – 10 hours a day.

Any way, it gets worse if you or your kids have state provided medical. Doctors treat you like dogs, and sometimes worse. Hospitals are the worst, and as much as they try, they do not make you feel welcome. I feel like I have been branded with a big fat red Medicade stamp right on my forehead. I will give credit, though, to my children’s Pediatrician (if you live anywhere near Tacoma Wa, and are looking for a doctor for your children, contact me, he is the most amazing doctor I have ever met. ) Dr. O. He has never once treated me or them any different from any other patient.

Which brings me to this. For the last little while ( actually since I came back from the road trip with my MIL) I have been dealing with a terrible ear problem. It is way worse than giving birth, and way more intense. I have been in and out of my Dr’s office, with the same thing ” Here are your antibiotics, you will feel better in a few days.” It has been 3 (yes sir count ’em) rounds of antibiotics, with ZERO relief. (Its getting worse daily.) Finally they get my insurance to approve me to go to a specialist, and I went in yesterday feeling like the light at the end of the tunnel was so close I could feel the heat. PSH! I was wrong.

It is a newer practice, and the Dr is not from these parts. He was a kind guy, that wanted to ease my anxiety (do ya think they could cover the damn table with all the tools?) and came in asking about my family. I did not relax, however, because I knew he was going to touch my ear. To be fair, he did the best he could. He told me what I knew, the canal is so swollen he couldn’t see anything, and stuck something in there and scrapped the inside of my ear and pulled out something that hurt so bad. He than did the hearing and pressure test and checked out my voice box and nasal cavities.

He than told me I have to see a dentist before any other treatment can be done. I looked at him and more tears came flooding. How am I going to see a dentist when it took me so long to be able to see him??? He said that the slightly broken tooth had to be removed to eliminate that as the pain causer. Never in my life have I cried to a doctor about anything that is not medically relevent. I left his office after he told me that he wants to do a MRI or CT of that side of my head, to further eliminate any other potitional problems, but my insurance denied it as bein not medically necessary. I walked out in tears.

So here I am, crying like a baby from all the pain and frustration. I get what some of you will say (go to fucking work you lazy bitch) but it’s just not a possibility at this time. I have no clue how to tell Matt that I need a crazy amount of money so I can get my ear fixed by having that tooth pulled. My insurance does cover “Emergency Extractions” but they declare that this is not an Emergency.

I will stop bitchin for now, but I will leave y’all with this: what will it take to get me better? Drink a bottle of Tequila and pull the tooth my self so I can go back to the ENT and maybe get my ear taken care of?? I can attest to this: Pain makes people delirious and do stupid things. If I can’t get the help I need without causing bodily harm, what am I supposed to do?  I CAN NOT go on with this much longer.

June 17, 2012

A Letter To My Husband

by mommahasapottymouth

We may not be legally married, but damn it, we may as well be. I don’t think that he hears positive things coming from me to often, and I think that is sad. I should be telling him how much he means to me on a regular basis, not just holidays and birthdays.

My Love,

                 Gosh! Its been so long since I have written to you, it almost feels strange. I’m sorry for that. Today, I realised that I do not say and show you how much I appreciate you very often. I need to change that.

            If someone where to tell me  almost 8 years ago that we would be here to-day raising 2 beautiful babies, I would have laughed in their face. I didn’t really have you pegged as the “daddy-type.” Imagine how surprised I was after AM came home with us? You have the natural “nurture” instinct in you that makes you so amazing. Both of those babies look at you with such love, sometimes, it leaves me a bit jealous. If anyone can say that they were blessed with a man who left them speechless and fulfilled with love, its me. Just watching you with them makes everything worth it. Thank you for being the daddy I have always hope to have for my babies.

              And us!! Look how far we have come! I will admit that we have had some very dark days, but I think that the happy days out number the dark ones. I know we have made mistakes and can not change the past, but I also think we have made some really great decisions together as well. I can tell you, there is no other man who loves me or ever has loved me the way that you do. We may not be romantic, and most days we don’t have our shit together, but we mesh well. We fit together like a puzzle. I couldn’t ask for anything more, because if you ask me, I have everything I have ever wanted and needed. I am truly blessed, and I have you to thank for that.

        If someone would ask me about the future, there is only one thing that I could bet my last breath on, and its that I will always want and need you. I want to grow old with you. I can see us as that cute old couple walking slow and holding hands. I can see us sitting on the porch drinking iced tea and eating pb&j sandwiches. In the last almost 8 years, I can say that the love I feel for you has only grown stronger. And as we have grown as individuals we have grown together. I know what makes you tick. I also know what food to cook when I must have a peace-offering. I know how you feel about most of the hot topics, and, I know what I have to do if you can’t sleep. I know you, it seems, better than I know myself. I always know how the situation will end, as it begins.

         The only thing I hope for us, is that we continue down the road we are on. I know they say nothing is perfect, and I can almost agree. The bickering, joking and rough housing is what makes this perfect to me. I can not imagine who I would be if you had not entered my life, and stayed by my side when EVERYONE in your corner told you to go. I know I am the most difficult person, and I understand that I am needy. But babe, the only thing I need is what I have.

                                                     With All My Love Always,

Windy

I know its corny and long-winded. But I needed to write that. Even if he will never read this, every word is true.

I love him!

 

June 13, 2012

There Is No Going Back From Here

by mommahasapottymouth

So I have made some fucked up decisions in my life time. I’ve hurt some really good people. I have also been hurt a time or two over the years. I think that is kinda what started my down hill spiral. Now is not the time to go into who did what to me, or how they did it, but I do need to get somethings off my chest before I explode.

Today, I had to learn from Facebook (of all the god damn places) that my ONLY sister graduated from high school. I am devastated. I knew it was comin, I just figured that we could set aside our differences for one night and I could be there to witness the good deed she accomplished. No such luck. I also knew that wouldn’t happen. I wont get into the terrible details, but I will tell you it started with her boyfriend. (I have no idea if they are still together) I make quilts, and me and all the kids in the family got fabric together to make for our grandma. All significant others (married or otherwise) were to be left off. Well, that just wouldn’t fly. She got so mad. Whatever. We got over it and kind of moved on. Then we hit our final bump. It was huge. When I was pregnant with JR, I was told that there was a chance that he could have Downs Syndrome. I was devastated. I ended up in the hospital that same night with kidney problems. The very first person I went to was my sister. She shot right back that I was a liar and ignorant. That I must be stupid because everyone knows that you can not see the baby’s brain in an ultrasound. I couldn’t believe she was saying those things. She didn’t even visit me in the hospital. I havent heard from her after she told me I was dead to her. I did tell her that I would always be here when she came down off her high horse.

You see, her and I have always had a rocky relationship. But I have always loved her. I was seven when she was born, and I admit I was a little jealous. I had always been the only girl. (I think at this point I need to let everyone who doesn’t know, she is my half-sister. My biological father remarried my step mom and had a baby with her. Not my daddy. ) Then, it kind of turned into a competition between us. My step mom hated me (and still does) so she went out of her way to make Missy the perfect little girl. I remember seeing my parents pick her Binky up after it fell on the floor and clean it off with their mouth (yuck!) and I tried to do the same thing and was scolded for it big time.

I eventually ran away from my mommas house when I was 14, (for a stupid low life boy my daddy hated, for good reason) and moved in with my father and his family. All was good for about 6 weeks. Then shit started to crumble. Big time, and soon after, both parents where at the bar every single night until closing. I had to take care of my sister and little brother. And she hated me for it. One time, I called my momma crying and Missy just wouldn’t leave shit alone. She was screaming in my face. I walked up the stairs to my room, talking to my momma to calm down. Missy ripped the phone cord out of the wall. Then she came up and started taunting me. I pushed her down the stairs by her face. The sad thing is, I didn’t feel any thing when I did that. Another time, she came into my room and started throwing things at me, shoes, movies what ever she could get her hands on.

Our relationship started to get better when I found out I was pregnant with AM. She became my best friend. She walked the mall with me, went to eat and talked to me every day several times. It was everything I had wanted for us. After my daughter was born, she sat right by me and watched them sitch me up. She loved my daughter.

After a while, things started to change. She started calling less, and coming to see her god-daughter less. I knew it had everything to do with me living an hour and a half away and that she had a boyfriend at her house. I understood.

One day, she started flipping out on me. Told me she hated me for calling CPS on our father. PSH! I had not even thought to ever do that, and if I had, it would have been done when I was still living with them. Soon after, was christmas and everything after that. I have yet to hear her voice in over a year.

click picture for photo credit

I apologize for the long-winded post. I just want y’all to know. If you have siblings, don’t ever take them for granted. Tell them you love them all the time. Never say good-bye on bad terms. Always work it out. My momma always told me “From cradle to grave, always love your brother (or sister) because he’s the only one you’ll ever have.” I never realized how true that was until this. And when you get to where I am, there is no turning back. Just remember that.

June 12, 2012

Motherhood Has Changed Me

by mommahasapottymouth

I think its funny to look back at the days of “Pre-Mommyhood” and remember how different I am today. My outlook on life has changed, as well as every other part of me. Some are so profound, while others just plain suck! For example:

(From here on out BB is Before Babies, and AB is After Babies)

BB: I wore a size 0 and weighed 110 with all my clothes on. I couldn’t fill out a shirt or the back side of my jeans.

AB: I fluctuate between sizes and my weight is much higher ( I think I may have been too skinny BB, but come on, I could at least get to 125, right?) and I fill out my shirts in all the wrong places (my waist) and I still have no ass.

BB: I could stay up all night, and wake up refreshed, or sleep untill the next night.

AB: If I stay up past 11, I pay for it dearly, and if I sleep past 6:30, my children must be sick.

BB: I could nap.

AB: What the hell is a nap?

BB: I thought that legalizing Marijuana would be no big deal, same as I thought America (ok the world, but I like to start small) did not really have a drug problem.

AB: While I think legalizing Marijuana for medicinal reasons is still a good idea, I don’t think just anyone should be able to walk into the local Wal-Mart and buy it. And, I still don’t think America has a drug problem, I know it.

BB: If someone where to approach me about signing for the above matter, I would have gladly singed it.

AB: The other day, a woman out side of the store came up to me and told me and my children that only a “man and a woman” should be allowed to marry. She was shouting it. I almost punched her square in her nose. Even if I did believe that (which I don’t) who gave her the right to teach my children that is even an issue? Same as last summer, some guy with dreads (I don’t judge, but I am pretty sure he was not looking at pot in the “drug for cancer or MS” patients stand point, if you know what I mean) approached me and asked me to sign his petition to legalize it. Y’all can only imagine the questions I had to answer from my way too smart 3-year-old. Not cool.

BB: I was positive that when I had children, I wouldn’t do the things my parents did, nor would I say the things my Momma said.

AB: Ha ha. I was funny back then. I am constantly thinking about how I will deal with the boyfriend that I hate when my daughter gets to that age, or the make up she will want to wear. I am certain that my answer will be nothing short of what my Mommas answers where; ” Not in my house” ” Over my dead body” “I don’t care what ( insert childs name here) parents let them do. I am your momma, not theirs” ” If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you too?” and my already all time favorite is ” BECAUSE I SAID SO” which I use more than any other already.

BB: I didn’t want children. E V E R!

AB: I could not imaging my life with out my babies now. No matter how mad or crazy they make me.

BB: My biggest problem was if we had enough beer to camp with.

AB: Beer is not even on my list of problems, but at times I find my self wishing I had a whole damn Keg.

BB: I loved having company and going places.

AB: Now, its like, don’t come over please! My house is a mess, and my children are making it worse! And going somewhere now includes an hour of prep time, not including packing my luggage of crap for the kids. You know, the “Just in case” bag? Most of the prep is getting AM ready by begging she be on her best behavior, and bribing her with something if she plays nicely with either the children at said place or their dogs.

And finally…

BB: I loved everyone kids! I was that girl who didn’t have any of her own, but all the kids flocked to and I loved it.

AB: Now, if they are not family ( and sometimes that doesn’t always help) or very close friends kids, I can’t stand them. I think sometimes I must be a horrible parent. There is this one family who always brings their kids over and drop them off. And as soon as the mom leaves, the child changes into some kind of a demon. I wish I was kidding, but I really can not stand the kid. I think I just may have way fewer patients now or something!

 

There have been other notable changes as well. I can tune a screaming child out and know the difference between crys. I don’t look at other moms when their children are misbehaving in the store and think “Oh my gosh! Look at those brats!” Now I just think “Thank you lord! Thank you for letting my baby be good for the moment!” I no longer find it necessary to show off my goods and much rather would wear something comfy than revealing. I don’t find it necessary to get all dolled up just to go get some food for my fridge. Sometimes its all I can do to get a shower everyday and run a brush thru my mop of a mane. But the biggest change is thinking before that I knew what love was, only to find that love was only a fraction of what I would feel the first time AM was placed in my arms. That is the most profound change of all.

 

May 22, 2012

They Think I’m Their Friend

by mommahasapottymouth

My children don’t look at me as momma. They look at me as a friend that they can manipulate into doing what ever suits their fancy. I am pretty sure that AM sees no authority in my face, and hears the same voice Charley Brown does when his teacher talks.

It’s a cycle. At first I wasn’t momma, I was the milk truck. I delivered the food when she was hungry. I changed her ass when she was nasty. Now its much the same, except I heat the chicken nuggets and fill the cup with juice. She now orders me around, and tells me whats going to happen and when. She has a little (BIG) case of the “Momma Syndrome” ( I am positive that this is a medical diagnosis, and if it’s not, well damn it! It should be). She even thinks that she can call the shots with JR. Ha ha , silly girl. She is about to get a rude awaking. I am the momma, hear me roar!

I can see this  pattern happening with my son too. He knows that all he has to do is cry and I will come running. That I can tell which cry is asking for what. He also knows that I will cater to his every need, and so far I have proven him right.

The thing is, they do not have this attitude with Daddy. They know he means business when he talks and that he is the law in my house. But how can that be? Daddy works grave yard shift at the mill and sleeps in the day. He sees them for the longest periods during the weekend. But somehow he has them convinced that he is Daddy first, friend second. How the hell did that happen???

Well, here is my theory: I spend every second of every day with them, and I am one of the most inconsistent parents you have ever had the pleasure to hear about (it has been a pleasure, right?) and often just give in to get them to stop with the hounding. I know cardinal rule number 1, stay consistent, right? Well that is difficult to say the least. And the more I am with them and not enforcing what I say, the more they look at me like a friend rather than Momma. Daddy on the other hand ALWAYS means business.

How the hell do I break this cycle?? Any ideas?

This is Daddy

May 11, 2012

Let Them Be Little

by mommahasapottymouth

I had to grow up too fast. Between then things others did to me, to what I HAD to do for my little brother and sister ( who I no longer have contact with, sadly), I became older faster than I had to. I intend to break that cycle with my own children.

(Let my clarify things before I go on here though. My momma and daddy did the best they could with me. I was a wild child and had no care about others or consequences. I just didn’t give a fuck. I ran away when I was 14, thinking that the grass would be greener. I went to live with the man who helped create me. For a while it was “butterflies and balloons,” but I can promise you that it did not stay that way. My best friend took advantage of me, and I had to pay the price. Things went way down hill from there. Soon I had to care for my young sister and brother, along with my “CHARENTS” (child-like-parents) who stayed out all night every night drinking. Sorry if any of you are reading this, but its a hell of a lot cheaper than therapy. Which I may very well need. Anyway, I became a momma before my time. Now though, my sister has disowned me and I have not spoken to my father since before my son was born. Oh well. Thats the unfairness of life as we know it. Now, back to what I was saying.)

Mommas need to hear this, so loudly I will say it. You may not be able to hear my voice, but you can be sure that my voice is loud and clear as I type this.

DON’T FORCE YOUR BABIES TO GROW UP TOO FAST!!!!

  • Let them play house, don’t make them a slave to clean yours!
  • They are not built-in baby sitters. You had them because you loved them, so you must love them.
  • See the wonder thru their eyes, soak it up. Before too long it will be gone. And once its gone, it wont be comin back.
  • Talk to them!! Ask them how their days where, even if all you want to do is shut them up. Soon they will be gone.
  • Cherish each moment with them, because tomorrow is not promised to anyone!
  • Get a punching bag, don’t take it out on them.
  • Children learn hate, they are not born with it. Don’t teach them. Our world is filled with hate, why add to it?
  • Kiss them. When they are older they will think they are too old for it.
  • Make each one of them think they are your favorite, even if you only have one favorite. They will always remember that.
  • They need you. Be there for them.
  • JUST LET THEM BE LITTLE!

I am not perfect by along shot. But watching my babies grow up fills me up to the top of my toes with joy. I can not imagine them being older and not needing me, and for now I do not have to worry about that. If my daughter is still helping her daddy work on cars at 15, well then I will still be happy. She will grow up knowing how to be a kid. She will never have to wait up until I get home from the bar to let me in, or have to clean my house after I have had a night of partying. Her brother will never have to ask her if momma and daddy still love them. They will never have to worry about things they need not worry about, like bills being paid or going shopping for food. I plan to let them be little.

My babies being babies!!

May 2, 2012

Pregnancy isnt all “butterflies and balloons”

by mommahasapottymouth

You know the saying: “Pregnant women are glowing.” You have also met some of those women who “Just love being pregnant.” Well, y’all never met me.

 

I hated being pregnant. Aside from all of my life having body issues, and gaining so much weight I could have lived off of my reserves for years to come, there where other things I loathed as well.

  1. Body hair. I’m not lying here. It seems that all your hair grows at an unnatural rate when your pregnant, and the bigger you get, the harder it is to get rid of it. I was horrified when I took my first post baby shower, lets just say that.
  2. Dreams. I hated those, because I already have weird ones to begin with. With AM I had a dream that I gave birth to a puppy. Gosh how I loved that puppy. With JR, I dreamed every night for a week that I was trapped in a bubble and my giant ( think Michelin man) baby was out side of it looking like he was going to eat me. (This should have been my first clue to the fact that he was going to grow to be very, *ahem* manly)
  3. Random people’s comments. I was pretty pissed off when my daddy took me to Arbys and the woman at the counter asked how far along I was. Or, later in pregnancy, while walking the mall for the billionth time I was out of breath and tired, an old man walked up to me and ask ” Honey you’re not going to have that baby right here are you?” I seriously thought I was hiding it VERY well. Wrong!!
  4. Clothing. It sucks. nothing fits like it should, because it’s either too tight or way too loose. It’s a no win situation. And the jeans with the belly thing? YUCK!
  5. Baby movement. At first, its awesome I wont lie. But when your precious little one kicks your bowl of hot chicken off your lap, it quickly looses its cuteness. It’s also rather disgusting to see a foot slide across your stomach. Yuck.
  6. Fear. The fear of your water breaking in public or some other inconvenient time is horrifying, to say the very least. You constantly are on high alert like the U.S. military, only with thoughts that people will think you peed your self. Really, it sucks.
  7. Heart burn. Need I say more? No I don’t but I will tell you that even water gave me heartburn!
  8. The need to pee. At night. Grocery shopping. On the short ride from your place to your father in-laws. And it’s not a slight “hmm I may have to pee” feeling. It’s a “GET THE HELL OUTTA MY WAY OR IM GOING TO PEE ON YOUR FOOT” kinda feelin.
  9. Smells. Your nose becomes highly sensitive to smells during this “wonderful” time. I was working a fryer at the time of my first pregnancy and the smell made me so sick I ended up quitting. Or when I went to eat with my family at The Ram, and walked in and was assaulted by the smell of red meat. ( I L O V E read meat so this was a mystery to me)
  10. Emotional. I would call it temporary Bi-Polar. I went on a crying binge one night after watching a video on YouTube, at like 3 am. I also was very indecisive and angry. It’s no wonder my babies have my white-hot temper!
  11. The worst is Labor. With both of my kids my water broke. So with my daughter I woke my momma up with terror in my voice telling her it was time. I was SURE I was going to have that baby in the front seat of her Ford Taurus. (But, I still made sure to get a hot dog from the 7-11 on the way). As it turns out, water breaks do not always equal the arrival of a precious bundle of joy. My DH got off work just at the water started flowing and made it to the hospital (at least an hour drive) after going to my momma and daddy’s house thinking that my daddy was going to show him the way. When that didn’t happen, he found his way parks (according to him) 13 blocks away and is showed to my room just after I finish up my intake. How long? Hour and fifteen. That labor lasted I think 19 and 1/2 hours. With my second, things where about the same, with a few exceptions. I got up at five thinking I peed the bed, changed my undies and BAM! peed again. Being so tired, and lazy feeling, I threw a towel and blanket over the “water” and took my ass back to bed. My DH was fishing, he came home and was cleaning up the fish. About 15 min later, I decided to tell him ” Oh by the way, my water broke.” He thought I was joking so I proudly pointed to the stream of water on my lower leg. Ha ha he didn’t even finish de boning the fish! Another 19 or so hours after my arrival at the hospital, my little bundle arrived.

I am sure there are women who can’t get pregnant who I’ve just pissed off. I’m also sure there are women who will actively disagree with me. All I have to say is that don’t believe that it is the happiest time of your life. In fact, it may be the most horrifying, embarrassing and stressful time of your life. The end result is fantastic, although I wish I could have gotten a ticket ( think DMV) and after 9 months, went to the local Safeway ( I love their cakes) and picked up my baby. Much easier!

So while What To Expect books may prepare you, they also mislead you. Because, really pregnancy is not all butterflies and balloons!

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