Posts tagged ‘balloons’

May 14, 2012

Cases of the Screamin I WANTS!

by mommahasapottymouth

None of us is above wanting things. Its human nature, and it can not be reversed. We do however, have control over the things we indulge in and the times we make others happy by giving them what they want.

For example; I want the house on the canal that I pass every time I leave my house. Its beautiful and has two (count ’em bitches T-W-O) wrap around porches. Its stunning and painted yellow. And I want it. But, alas, it will never be mine. For one, I’m pretty sure that it’s some sort of “Dive House” where the local divers go to learn to dive. And two it’s not practical to have a house on the canal or right off the highway when you have two beautiful babies. Damn it. I still want it.

This is the dive house. I love it and I want it!!

Matt is not immune to the “I wants” of life either. I think right now he wants cars. And car parts. Maybe a farm. I honestly don’t know. Oh wait. He is also ready to have fishing season open at the local river. Big fun.

My daughter, AM, has by far the worst case. Every single time a toy commercial comes on she screams ” Momma momma!!! Come look! Can we buy one tomorrow?” I always answer with the same response “We’ll see” which always makes her happy.Tomorrow, she forgets.

I have however been that momma who has left a full shopping cart in the middle of the store because of the horrible awful screamin “I wants.” Yes. And yes, I was so god damn mad that if I was not legally obligated to do so, I wouldn’t have made her lunch when we got home.

These are not items you would normally find in my cart.

The screamin “I wants” have also turned me in to a psycho of a momma. One day my little monster wanted a balloon. I told her OK, but I was going to hold it until we got to the car so that it wouldn’t float away. That totally pissed her off and she went ape shit nuts. The woman in front of me stuck her nose in the air and said (TO MY FACE) ” Hmm…. doesn’t look like you are really cut out for motherhood. Don’t you know how to control your child in public? Well my children never acted out, I would be so embarrassed if I where you.”

This is not the actual old hag who schooled me on my parenting

Well, I never.

Let me tell you what I told that old wrinkly witch. I said something to the effect of: ” Well, it must be nice to be the mother of the year. You must be so proud that you have angels for children. She is two and this is normal behavior for a two-year old to throw a fit from time to time. So I am going to ask you kindly to shut your old mouth before any cobwebs fall on to my child and she freaks out some more. Oh and do you have a card? You must be in the business of teaching mothers all around how to raise their children, and since no one I know is nearly as perfect as you I am sure I could bring you lots of money.”

With that, she left her cart and walked out of the store.

The point I am trying to make here is that we all want something, and, not every single one of them will be met. There is no right way to deal with a screamin I want, nor is there a wrong way ( aside from abuse), and the way a momma or daddy deals with it will be different from the way you deal with it. I think dolling out advise on how to raise a child is never welcome unless it is directly asked for, and even then it is very thin ice you will be treading on. Be careful!

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May 2, 2012

Pregnancy isnt all “butterflies and balloons”

by mommahasapottymouth

You know the saying: “Pregnant women are glowing.” You have also met some of those women who “Just love being pregnant.” Well, y’all never met me.

 

I hated being pregnant. Aside from all of my life having body issues, and gaining so much weight I could have lived off of my reserves for years to come, there where other things I loathed as well.

  1. Body hair. I’m not lying here. It seems that all your hair grows at an unnatural rate when your pregnant, and the bigger you get, the harder it is to get rid of it. I was horrified when I took my first post baby shower, lets just say that.
  2. Dreams. I hated those, because I already have weird ones to begin with. With AM I had a dream that I gave birth to a puppy. Gosh how I loved that puppy. With JR, I dreamed every night for a week that I was trapped in a bubble and my giant ( think Michelin man) baby was out side of it looking like he was going to eat me. (This should have been my first clue to the fact that he was going to grow to be very, *ahem* manly)
  3. Random people’s comments. I was pretty pissed off when my daddy took me to Arbys and the woman at the counter asked how far along I was. Or, later in pregnancy, while walking the mall for the billionth time I was out of breath and tired, an old man walked up to me and ask ” Honey you’re not going to have that baby right here are you?” I seriously thought I was hiding it VERY well. Wrong!!
  4. Clothing. It sucks. nothing fits like it should, because it’s either too tight or way too loose. It’s a no win situation. And the jeans with the belly thing? YUCK!
  5. Baby movement. At first, its awesome I wont lie. But when your precious little one kicks your bowl of hot chicken off your lap, it quickly looses its cuteness. It’s also rather disgusting to see a foot slide across your stomach. Yuck.
  6. Fear. The fear of your water breaking in public or some other inconvenient time is horrifying, to say the very least. You constantly are on high alert like the U.S. military, only with thoughts that people will think you peed your self. Really, it sucks.
  7. Heart burn. Need I say more? No I don’t but I will tell you that even water gave me heartburn!
  8. The need to pee. At night. Grocery shopping. On the short ride from your place to your father in-laws. And it’s not a slight “hmm I may have to pee” feeling. It’s a “GET THE HELL OUTTA MY WAY OR IM GOING TO PEE ON YOUR FOOT” kinda feelin.
  9. Smells. Your nose becomes highly sensitive to smells during this “wonderful” time. I was working a fryer at the time of my first pregnancy and the smell made me so sick I ended up quitting. Or when I went to eat with my family at The Ram, and walked in and was assaulted by the smell of red meat. ( I L O V E read meat so this was a mystery to me)
  10. Emotional. I would call it temporary Bi-Polar. I went on a crying binge one night after watching a video on YouTube, at like 3 am. I also was very indecisive and angry. It’s no wonder my babies have my white-hot temper!
  11. The worst is Labor. With both of my kids my water broke. So with my daughter I woke my momma up with terror in my voice telling her it was time. I was SURE I was going to have that baby in the front seat of her Ford Taurus. (But, I still made sure to get a hot dog from the 7-11 on the way). As it turns out, water breaks do not always equal the arrival of a precious bundle of joy. My DH got off work just at the water started flowing and made it to the hospital (at least an hour drive) after going to my momma and daddy’s house thinking that my daddy was going to show him the way. When that didn’t happen, he found his way parks (according to him) 13 blocks away and is showed to my room just after I finish up my intake. How long? Hour and fifteen. That labor lasted I think 19 and 1/2 hours. With my second, things where about the same, with a few exceptions. I got up at five thinking I peed the bed, changed my undies and BAM! peed again. Being so tired, and lazy feeling, I threw a towel and blanket over the “water” and took my ass back to bed. My DH was fishing, he came home and was cleaning up the fish. About 15 min later, I decided to tell him ” Oh by the way, my water broke.” He thought I was joking so I proudly pointed to the stream of water on my lower leg. Ha ha he didn’t even finish de boning the fish! Another 19 or so hours after my arrival at the hospital, my little bundle arrived.

I am sure there are women who can’t get pregnant who I’ve just pissed off. I’m also sure there are women who will actively disagree with me. All I have to say is that don’t believe that it is the happiest time of your life. In fact, it may be the most horrifying, embarrassing and stressful time of your life. The end result is fantastic, although I wish I could have gotten a ticket ( think DMV) and after 9 months, went to the local Safeway ( I love their cakes) and picked up my baby. Much easier!

So while What To Expect books may prepare you, they also mislead you. Because, really pregnancy is not all butterflies and balloons!

April 28, 2012

Things EVERY parent should know

by mommahasapottymouth

Being the momma of two beauties, AM and Jr, my ideas of parenting have wildly changed thru out the course of three years. This is my list of things y’all should know. Seriously burn this crap into your brain like now!

  1. Never say I wont be that kinda parent. Really. Before you might think you know, but the bottom line is you have NO clue.
  2. Parenting must be consistent, as should punishment. You can’t let ’em get away with something one day because it fits your needs and the next day flip out. This teaches them that you are in fact a door mat that they previously thought you where.
  3. Bubbles and Balloons fix EVERYTHING. Seriously.
  4. Your child is a little artist. This means hide the food coloring, sharpies, pens and pencils or your home will be their canvas.
  5. Children are not born knowing hate. Don’t teach them.
  6. Grandmas and Grandpas are supposed to spoil. It’s in their Handbook.
  7. Kids are noisy. When they are quiet its time to investigate.
  8. Some children are under the assumption that along with artist, they are also beautician and vet. Invest in locks and baby gates. Keep sour cream and butter out of reach and, seriously just toss the scissors out the second you find your having a baby.
  9. Love them with all you got, and they will love you back. Its true.
  10. They will embarrass you. Fits will be thrown and you will want to scream. There will be a point that at least on fit will be thrown at the local Wal*Mart. Get used to the idea now. It will be OK.

I am sure there are more. Please feel free to add to this list if I have missed anything!! Remember, kids are fun, as long as you know what you are getting your self into!

April 27, 2012

Bubbles and Balloons

by mommahasapottymouth

I think I may be crazy. But that’s OK.I think you may agree with me when I say that most of (if not all) the country (dare I say world?) problems could be solved with a big dose of bubbles and a huge bouquet of balloons??It seems to me that anytime there is a boo boo or and ouchie, either of the two (sometimes both) are the end all fix all. Have you ever heard the laugh of a child with a thing of bubbles? Or the extra pep in the step of a kid with a balloon?

I wish for all of humanity to feel the optimism of that of a kid with balloons. I wish we could all take a deep breath in and when we let out, the troubles and problems would be released as big sparkling bubbles.

Who knows? maybe our children are on to something…

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