I Think This Means WAR!

by mommahasapottymouth

If you are the animal lover that is against hunting and all that CRAP, please just skip this post.

I am going on a damn rampage tonight. Here is why:

We moved into this house almost 7 years ago. At first, we had no “noxious animal” problem. Then, the herd came. Out of the god damn wood work (and I mean that in all ways, I live on top of a small mountain) came swarms of raccoons. Awww…

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At first, they where so cute. It was sweet to watch them (especially the families) come to the yard and scavenge for food. My neighbor bitch thinks it’s a good idea to feed them. So the natural sense to flee when humans are near has vanished. It got so bad, I had to start to bringing the day old bread home from work, just so I could get out of the car and haul ass to the door. I swear that they could hear my car 10 miles down the road and say to all their distant relatives to “come on over to the house, she wont get out of the car without food!”

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One time my niece NS and my sister Missy, where out side and the little vermin started charging (I so wish I was making this shit up) them for their chips. Another time, (the LAST straw) Matt was out-of-town for the night and I went out to smoke. One little guy was on the porch. He started getting closer and closer. Instinct said to grab the nearest thing (a Tiki torch, unlit) and protect one’s self. Ha ha. He took one look at me and (again, not making this up) REACHED UP AND TOOK THE DAMN TORCH!! After that, I smoked in the bathroom out the window when Matt was not home.

I wont go into how they stopped coming around. That may hurt someones feelings on here. But, for the last three years, I can count on one hand how many have been back, and have fingers to spare.

 

Well, for the last 2 nights I have been trapped in my home, by Grandfather River. The little bastard knocked over my dog food bin, (50 lbs) and ate it right out my window. My poor dogs had to witness this horrible crime. Well, last night I figured that I could scare him off by opening the front door and locking the screen door, with my dogs standing at the door. The fucker walked up, stood on his hind legs, swatted at the door and hissed at my dogs.

OK. I figured that there had to be a way to get him off the porch. I grabbed the BB gun and opened the bathroom window, and blindly started firing at the son of a bitch. I didn’t even come close.

But the worst part is today. Me and the kids spent a good part of the day outside. I kept hearing the bushes on the Green Belt on the back of the property. I at first thought it was a bird or a cat. No biggie. But, I was so wrong. It kept stalking back and forth all day. Finally it caught AM’s attention, and I had enough. I grabbed a rock and tossed it. PSH! Nothing. I kept at it. Finally I spotted a foot, and as soon as I looked away for my next rock, I lost the damn thing!! I finally gave up and warned the neighbor to be careful walking her old dog (poor guy wouldn’t know he was near a coon ’til he was on top of one) and went home.

Right after Matt leaves for work, I hear a crash outside and I’ll be damned. HE IS BACK EATING THE DOG FOOD!! Taking his sweet ass time too. Sneaky little fucker.

HE HAS TO GO!!

 

It turns out I think I would look great in a coonskin hat

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3 Comments to “I Think This Means WAR!”

  1. wow not a good thing… it sound rabid if its out during the day. We have one that visits us on our deck and the dogs go nuts… a 100lb big black dog and this little thing just looks at him and slowly reaches for the garbage… It’s actually quite hilarious. We have not had anymore thank goodness, bears are all over the woods behind my house so I don’t think the coons stand a chance.

  2. I do not know how to get rid of raccoons, but your story made me bust out in laughter! I love how you can have fun with a really serious animal problem. Good luck! 🙂

  3. I hope your dogs recover – maybe they’ll need some therapy sessions with the dog whisperer!

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